We’ve all faced the task of returning holiday gifts, a task anticipated with all the joy of getting a root canal. There’s no joy involved, as by now, the yuletide is molting, the stockings are empty, the eggnog drunk and your patience absent.
And even if the gift was bought online, odds are you have to trudge somewhere and mail the box back. The only thing colder than the weather most likely is the clerk behind the counter.
But the vehicle that gets you there can make returning gifts easier by having the appropriate ride for your return. Here are some helpful suggestions, none of which are ho-ho-hum.
BMW M240i xDrive: By making the trip to return something fun, you take the sting out of the drudgery of this holiday chore. That’s what makes the BMW M240i xDrive the perfect choice. Think it’s too small? Guess again. At 179.4 inches long, it’s about same length as the 2010 BMW 3 Series. Yet it remains a car that feels as if it were tailored for you, something you put on. It’s like wearing a custom suit. And it possesses incredible thrust, not to mention the rewarding driving dynamics akin to the legendary BMW sports coupes that preceded it. It’s like a Christmas gift to yourself, one that never stops giving all year long. So take the long way back to the mall, the route with all of the twisting turning roads. It may take a couple hours longer, but who cares. And that gift you’re returning? All of a sudden, who cares about the gift you’re returning?
Chevrolet Suburban AWD: Given how dreadful winter weather can be — especially this year — you’ll need a rig that will not only make it through anything, but has the room to hold your brood and their acres of lifestyle debris to be returned. Hey, Star Trek’s Gene Roddenberry wasn’t wrong when he wrote that space is the final frontier at least when it comes to this chore. And the Suburban’s leviathan size ensures that, while its slab-sided sheetmetal will prove intimidating enough to guarantee that you’ll prevent Lilliputian crossovers from nabbing that coveted parking space — if it’s sufficiently large. Speaking of large, Chevy can thoughtfully equip the Suburban with a 6.2-liter V-8 rated at 420 horsepower and 460 pound-feet of torque that returns about 17 mpg. Not bad, all things considered. After all, this thing will haul that Peloton back to the store with the whole damn family riding shotgun. Don’t try that in a Prius.
Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat Widebody Jailbreak: You might not have any gifts to return, after all. Perhaps all you want is to arrive first at the after-Christmas deals. Driving a classic, grin-inducing American muscle car like the Dodge Charger SRT Hellcat Redeye Widebody is one of the quickest ways to get there first thanks to a supercharged 6.2-liter Hemi high-output V-8 generating 797 horsepower. Rear-wheel drive and an 8-speed automatic transmission are standard. Unleashing ridiculous quantities of torque and speed, it’s perfect for accelerating your ability to show up first when stores open. And who knows, that may be six states away, but it won’t take long to get there. With a top speed of 203 mph and a 0-60 mph time of 3.6 seconds, the results speak for themselves. Just be sure to have a lawyer lined up to get you out of jail; a get out of jail free card isn’t offered.
Rimac Nevera: There’s a scintilla of room for returning unwanted merchandise in this EV. But at $2.1 million as tested, odds are you’re not returning gifts. You have people for that. No, you’re out having fun in the fastest EV in the world. Unleashing your inner-Andretti was never so ecologically sound, nor as quick: 0-60 takes 1.85 seconds. That’s about as much time as it takes for a cat to decide it has to be in the next room for no reason in particular. That is to say, quick. Few cars are as much fun and as guilt-free.